The ninth day, the fortieth day and the anniversary explained

If you grew up abroad, or simply never had to think about it before, the counting of Ukrainian memorial days is genuinely confusing, because it contains one rule that contradicts common sense.

The rule that trips everyone up

Days are counted from the day of death, not from the day of the funeral. And the day of death itself counts as the first day, even if the person died in the evening.

So if someone died on a Monday, that Monday is day one, and the ninth day falls on the Tuesday of the following week, not the Wednesday.

The simplest way to check yourself: the ninth day is the date of death plus eight, the fortieth is the date of death plus thirty nine. The anniversary is easier, it is simply the same date a year later.

What happens on each day

The ninth day. The closest circle only, family and nearest neighbours. The family visits the grave, tidies it, lights a lamp, and a remembrance is requested at the church. A modest meal at home follows.

The fortieth day. The most important of the three. A wider circle is invited, usually thirty to fifty people in our villages: relatives, neighbours, those who attended the funeral. In many families this is when the deceased’s belongings are given to people who need them.

The anniversary. A narrower circle again, closer in size to the ninth day. This is often when the headstone is installed, because by then the ground has settled.

Why the date is not moved

Families abroad often ask whether the date can be shifted to a weekend so that everyone can attend. In our villages the date itself is not moved, because it is tied to the death, not to convenience.

The compromise almost everyone uses works well. On the actual day the family goes to the grave, lights a lamp and has the remembrance said at church. The shared meal is then held on the nearest Saturday or Sunday, when people can travel. Nobody takes offence at this, and priests do not object.

What you can do from another country

Not being able to come to the fortieth day is one of the heaviest experiences for Ukrainians abroad, and the guilt that comes with it is often worse than the grief itself. Let us say plainly: nobody at home thinks badly of you.

What can be done at a distance still carries weight. A remembrance can be requested at the church by telephone, and we can arrange it. We can bring flowers and a lamp to the grave on the day itself and send you photographs. Families who gather for the meal frequently open a video call at the start, and it works better than people expect.

If there is nobody to care for the grave between these dates, we take that on, one off or regularly, with photographs each time: grave care from abroad.

If the date has already passed

It happens: the family learned late, or the fortieth day was remembered a week after it went by.

There is only one right answer here. Do it when you can. A church remembrance can be requested at any time, a grave can be tended at any time, and reproaching yourself over a missed date serves nothing. In church tradition the dead are remembered throughout the year, not on three dates, and nobody is keeping score.