Most of what is written in English about Ukrainian funerals is written by people who have never been to one. This is written by a family funeral service in a village in the Vinnytsia region, and it describes what actually happens, not what a textbook says should happen.
The funeral is on the third day
In Ukraine the burial normally takes place on the third day after death, counting the day of death as the first. Someone who dies on Monday is usually buried on Wednesday.
This is not a legal rule. It is custom, and it is strong enough that people are surprised when it is not followed. The practical reason behind it is old: three days at home allowed everyone in the village to come and say goodbye.
The date can be moved, and today it often is, most commonly to let children arrive from Poland, Italy or further. When that happens the body is kept properly and nobody objects. If your family needs the extra days, say so early rather than assuming it is impossible.
The body stays at home, not at a funeral home
This is the single biggest difference from an American or British funeral, and it surprises people most.
In villages the deceased lies in the main room of their own house until the funeral. There is no viewing at a chapel, because the house is the chapel. Mirrors are covered, and a candle burns beside the coffin the whole time. Someone from the family stays with the body through the night. The person is not left alone at any point until the burial.
Neighbours come and go continuously across those days. They do not phone ahead. They come in, stand a while, say something quiet to the family, and often bring food so that the household does not have to cook.
The coffin is open
The coffin stays open at the house, on the way to the cemetery, and at the graveside until the final moments. Coming forward to look at the face and to say goodbye is expected, not optional, and children are not shielded from it.
For people raised in the West this is often the hardest part to prepare for. It is worth knowing in advance that nobody will think it strange if you cry, and equally nobody will think it strange if you do not.
The procession
The coffin is carried out of the house feet first. The procession goes on foot for at least part of the way, often the whole way if the cemetery is close.
Behind the coffin walk the family, then everyone else. In many villages a band plays, and the music is slow brass, not silence. People who cannot join stand at their gates as the procession passes, and that is itself a form of respect.
Along the route the procession pauses at crossroads for a short prayer. Fir branches or flowers are sometimes scattered on the road behind it.
Towels, bread and the things people bring
Embroidered towels, called rushnyky, are central and confuse foreign guests completely.
They are used to lower the coffin into the grave, tied to the cross, and given to the men who carried the coffin and dug the grave. Giving a towel is how the family thanks someone, and refusing one is awkward, so accept it.
Guests commonly bring flowers, always an even number of stems, since odd numbers are for the living. Many also bring food for the wake, or money quietly handed to a close relative to help with costs. None of this is demanded, and nobody counts.
At the grave
Burial in the ground is the norm. Cremation is rare in villages and is usually a city choice.
After the priest finishes, those present throw a handful of earth into the grave. The grave is filled while everyone is still standing there, not after they leave, and a temporary cross with the name goes up the same day. The permanent headstone comes about a year later, once the ground has settled.
The meal afterwards
Everyone who came to the cemetery is fed. This is not optional and not a party.
The first thing on the table is kolyvo, boiled wheat or rice with honey and poppy seed, and everyone takes a spoonful before anything else begins. Then borshch or soup, kasha, fish, pies, and a fruit drink called uzvar. In a fasting period the whole table is meatless.
People speak in turn about the person who died. Nobody makes toasts in the celebratory sense, and silence at the table is normal and does not need filling. The meal lasts an hour or so and then people go.
Nine days, forty days, and the year
Ukrainian mourning does not end at the funeral. It has a structure.
The ninth day is a small gathering of the closest family. The fortieth day is the most important of all, with a wider circle invited, a church remembrance and a full meal; in many families the belongings of the deceased are given away on this day. The anniversary is marked again, and the headstone is often installed for it.
The counting catches everyone out, so here is the rule: the day of death itself counts as day one. We explain it in full here: the ninth day, the fortieth day and the anniversary.
If your family is abroad and this is happening now
Half the families we work for live in another country, and the traditions above are exactly what they are trying to arrange from a distance.
It can be done, and it is done constantly. One trusted person in Ukraine signs what must be signed, and everything else is handled here, with photographs and video at each stage, including the service itself. Start with this page: arranging a funeral in Ukraine from abroad.
If a relative has died in Ukraine and you are not sure what happens next, call or write at any hour. We answer in Ukrainian and Russian, and in written English.
Customs vary between regions and between villages. What is described here is the practice of the Dzhuryn area in the Vinnytsia region.